So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
