So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Did you pee in the oven last night??
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
