I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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