I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
