apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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