as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
