omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
