We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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