just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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