I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
