Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
