Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize