Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
