Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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