Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
