WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
