he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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