there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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