I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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