Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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