I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
