Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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