I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
