so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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