1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
the liver wants what the liver wants
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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