She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
