dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
