I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
