Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
