Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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