My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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