Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
