totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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