I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
