Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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