Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
