I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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