Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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