The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
