i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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