Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize