My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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