Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
