saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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