What did we do last night that was yellow?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
