Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
