Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
