i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
