The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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