I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
