I wanna passion pit in your ass
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
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