Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
