o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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