Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
