i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
