i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Acid is not a monday night drug
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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