One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
