Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
