This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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