he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
