someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
