toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize