The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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