DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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