He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
